Well, there went 2025.
What a weird year. It's been busy in many ways, but slower in even more. My health has gotten better in some ways, and remained quite ill in most of it, but I'll take the better where I can.
( physical health update )It's been a hard year of undoing and unlearning everything I've grown up with. But the space left by that undoing has been filled with the things of what I am growing, the person I am becoming. I have discovered new things I like doing now that I have the energy to explore it, now that I have the energy to devote to myself and the things that I want to do, instead of what everyone has told me to want or do. And I've allowed myself to stop doing things when I don't feel like doing them anymore, and to concentrate on the things I want to do.
( hobbies update )PS I am also on the lookout for a good ube cookie or ube crinkle recipe for a friend in Osaka, will try a black sesame and chocolate cookie for another friend's birthday, and need a good earl grey and brown butter sugar cookie recipe for Raia! Any reccs, please send them my way!
tw: emotional abuse, trauma processing, family dynamics
( eldest daughters never miss a chance to learn the hardest lessons again and again )( turns out i was emotionally abused in 2023, who knew (everyone) )Still:
( my friends have loved me back to life in the realest ways )( there was some growth this year, for i do not wish to be in a lesbian sitcom IRL )( the hodgepodge that is my spirituality, and how i learned to embrace it )( mental health updates )2025 has been such a strange year. I am not sorry to see it end. I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, mentally. I have yet to sit down with myself and think about 2026 and what it might bring. All I know is that in the coming year I want to continue being intentional about the direction of my life and my relationships. I want to learn to take up space without fear, to be able to say straightforwardly what my wants and needs are, knowing full well I will be fine if others cannot meet them, because I can meet them myself. I want to develop a self-identity, self-esteem, and assuredness so strong I no longer fear seeing my ex and remembering all the ways I made myself vulnerable for her in hopes that she would care for me and instead hurt me.
Yeah that shit still stings girl trauma and emotional abuse is a bitch. I want to develop all those things for myself, to know I can carry myself and care for myself now and in the future. I want to love and be loved, to learn what love is like when it is safe, kind, and gentle - to be seen, heard, understood, and chosen for who I am. I want to learn kind lessons instead of tears. I want to trust in the hands of the Universe and know that I will be rewarded, that I will live up the name I keep closest to my heart. Maybe emblematic of all my wishes, I also have a new tattoo: a north star in a small galaxy on the wrist of my dominant hand. It is a reminder that I am my own North Star: may I always guide myself back home to me.
I burn a piece of paper every night in this period of in between - the 13 magical wishes to give to the universe during Rauhnaechte. I pray in my heart and in my mind in a shrine hidden in a park in Shibuya, asking for guidance and clarity, asking that I may be granted leave to return and offer my gratitude in person.
Maybe that's all I hope for 2026: that I will be treated gently, that my wishes will be heard, that my prayers be answered, my love found and returned.
Such simple wishes from a woman simply trying to live. 2025 returned to me my humanity. May 2026 return me to myself.
There are many things in play in the background; the wheels of time continue. These nameless days are coming to a close, and soon I will join the world again in its business, its loneliness, its camaraderies, its joys, its shared pains and sorrows. These days have been difficult, balancing between despair and hope, standing still and moving forward. I am going at my pace. May everyone close the coming year in peace, and carry only good wishes into the coming year.
Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!